[EJ 4] The Weight of Words

Something I have always struggled with my whole life is my weight. Growing up as an overweight kid, comments about my body were inevitable. Being taller than the rest of my elementary classmates did not help much, either. These comments affected me negatively, even if some of them believed that whatever they said came out of good intent. From my concerned parents to the typical Filipino aunties at family reunions saying, "Metaba ka ne, nak" ("You got fatter, child"), and to my friends at school, I have been used to these comments as a child, and for a while, they didn’t really hurt me. However, as I have matured and became more conscious of my appearance, these comments would start to provoke me, resulting in the most hurtful comments about how my body looked: ones that would come from the very girl I see when I'm alone and in front of the mirror; from myself. From these three topics tackled in this course: Coping Strategies, Stress Management, and Mindfulness CBT, I will show how my reflections and experiences about my weight can be related to such topics through this e-journal, sharing a story of growth and, ultimately, acceptance.

I have tried numerous times to cut off my weight in the past. My mother would enroll me in Zumba classes in the summer, without me even knowing prior. I have also attempted to join my cousins in the weight loss programs at our local gyms, and I have made an effort numerous times to exclude rice from my meals. However, it was only during the pandemic that I had the time and effort to do so, resulting in quite a drastic change. For a while, I was happy with the results of my hard work. I finally had the body I had always wanted when I looked in the mirror. This led me to believe that people, including myself, would finally stop saying negative things about how my body looked, but unfortunately, I was wrong. Comments would then revolve around me being too thin, not eating enough, or how I would look better if I had a little more weight. It seemed like I could not please anyone, not even myself; it was impossible.

After a while, naturally, with the various stressors of life, my weight started fluctuating. My stress would manifest in different ways every day. Some days, I would binge eat, and then, on other days, I almost wouldn't eat at all. With my body changing how it looked from time to time, so did how my mind perceived it. Some days, I would look in the mirror and be genuinely happy about what I saw. However, as cliche as it sounds, we all have our bad days, and my bad days would involve me crying over every single insecurity I could point at in the mirror. One thing that did not change was the people around me who still continuously commented about how my body looked. The concept of the five-second rule, wherein it is said that you should not comment about other people's appearance if they cannot change it in five seconds, never seemed to cross their minds.

As this cycle repeated, I started to have maladaptive thoughts about my weight. Every time I ate a little more than I normally do, I would catastrophize, thinking that my body would return to how it used to be when I was younger. I would also blame myself and how I ate whenever people would comment that I put on some weight, even if I knew within me that I was eating perfectly fine. Furthermore, I would focus and dwell on these negative comments more than any other compliment anyone could give. I have also put myself into believing that I should adhere to certain practices, such as only eating one meal a day with no rice, as well as extending the duration of my workout program, and under no circumstances or excuses would I allow myself not to. I even used laxatives as part of my weight loss regimen. Even though I knew it was unhealthy to use laxatives frequently, I became obsessed with having a flat stomach, something I never experienced in years. On top of everything, I also still labeled and called me “fat”, even when I already notably lost a lot of weight. 

Thankfully, through the different coping strategies I’ve learned from therapy and in this course, I have learned how to reframe my mind and shift from maladaptive thoughts to adaptive ones. I realized I wouldn't return to my old body solely because I ate more than I should have on my last meal. By thinking of less awful outcomes, for example, simply being bloated the next day, I have come to terms with the normalcy of eating beyond the normal amount sometimes, especially during special occasions like the annual Noche Buena or during birthday parties. Instead of blaming myself for other people's hurtful comments, I have learned that there might be different reasons these people would say such things. For example, they may be projecting their insecurities about their own bodies on me, or maybe it is a Filipino cultural thing that we as a society have not yet fixed; either way, I have learned that it is not my fault, nor should I feel guilty about it. I have also trained myself to focus on positive things instead of negative ones, such as the compliments I receive about how I look fine and healthy the way I am. Through time, I also have learned to set realistic expectations regarding the routines I plan to adhere to. I have accepted that, sometimes, it's completely okay not to follow the tasks I planned for the day, especially when the need for rest arises. I have also realized that calling myself “fat”, “ugly”, and other unpleasant names was unkind and that I would never call others such things, so perhaps I should apply the same thinking to myself.

Nonetheless, I still experience stress from these comments, in addition to the stress I already receive from my responsibilities as a daughter, a college student, and a member of various organizations in the university. As a result, I have found myself engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to the stress I experience. Whenever I get overwhelmed with the work I must finish for my classes, I tend to overeat, especially sweet and salty food. I also resort to self-loathing and self-blaming often, as I tell and convince myself that I am a failure or not enough whenever I don't get my desired results, whether it may be in an exam or when I notice that I gain weight.

As time passed by, I realized that I must not continue these patterns as a response to stress, as they exacerbate the situation I am in. With the help of lessons from therapy sessions and in this course, I have learned that there are other beneficial things that I can do instead to address the challenges I face. By using adaptive thinking and positive coping strategies, I am now more confident in solving my problems in a manner that is productive but will not cause me mental and physical distress.

Incorporating the concept of mindfulness has allowed me to overcome my struggles with weight in different ways. During times of self-loathing, wherein I insist on calling myself unpleasant words about my appearance, I have learned that it is better to reaffirm myself with positive self-talk. By assuring myself with kind words telling me that I can overcome my struggles and that my worth does not depend on my weight, I became less affected by the negative thoughts in my head. This thinking combats the harmful thoughts that we tend to engage in during times of trouble, which can lead to us believing the words we say, especially when we often tell ourselves those negative words.

I have also used the Problem-Solving Model a few times since I learned it in class. Following the six-step guide on effectively managing a situation has been an effective means of coping whenever I face problems, especially regarding my weight. For instance, last month, I went to a family gathering wherein I encountered my aunt, who has always commented on my appearance; that day was no different. As a response, I first defined the problem: her comment made me think negatively about myself. Following the process, I had to determine the possible root cause of the problem, which I thought could be a couple of things. Not only was her behavior a norm in the Filipino culture, but I also know that deep down, she is just concerned for my well-being. After that, I had to develop numerous solutions for my problem and then evaluate and select the most appropriate solution for the context. While I can simply redirect our conversation to a different topic whenever she brings up my weight, avoid her at all costs, or tell my mother to advise her to avoid talking about my weight, I knew that these would only be effective in the short term. It may also affect my relationship with her. The action that I have finally thought of doing was communicating with her directly. I knew this would not be easy to initiate. Still, overall, this would lead her to understand better how her words affected me. Thus, I had to have an action plan about how I would go about our conversation. I decided that, at the next family gathering, if she repeated her remarks about my weight, I would talk to her privately and engage in a meaningful conversation with her, calmly sharing with her how her words negatively affected me. After I finally did so, I noticed that she did not comment anymore about what I asked her not to do during the next time that we met. This made me glad and has notably decreased the anxiety and distress I felt during family occasions.

Guided imagery has also proven effective and helpful in similar situations. Whenever I am in distress regarding comments as such, I try to find a calm and peaceful environment, put myself in a comfortable position, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and imagine myself in a safe space. It could be a favorite place of mine, usually my bedroom, as I have always felt the safest here. My parents have even tried trading their bigger room for mine because of the amount of stuff that I had, but I refused. There was a certain comfort that my small room has always brought to me that no other room could replicate. Maybe I hold such sentimental value in this space because it was also the same room that has reminded me of the milestones I have crossed in terms of my health, as this was the room where I would workout in.  Nonetheless, my imagination could also set itself in a made-up world. It didn’t matter. What’s important is, in here, I would think of surrounding myself with people who make me feel secure about myself. I imagine myself feeling healthy instead of my body looking a certain way. In this world, my clothes fit comfortably, making me move with ease. I feel strong and energetic. I couple these thoughts with positive reaffirmations with messages of me being worthy of love and respect no matter what size I am and my body being capable and beautiful, flaws and all.

As of writing this paper, I have had significant realizations about myself as well as how I have applied the lessons I learned both in therapy and this course. These learnings have truly become life-changing, to which I am eternally grateful for. Changing my perspective on dealing with problems from short-term, ineffective solutions to more long-term and practical ones, albeit challenging, was essential to my better understanding of healthy problem-solving. Furthermore, using positive self-talk has also greatly motivated me in my tasks and shifted my negative attitude toward myself into something kinder and more loving. Ultimately, all of the negative and hurtful comments I have received ever since I was a child has been a blessing in disguise, as this has been the key driving force for me to finally accept myself and the fact that as I grow older, my appearance will inevitably change. This has been a critical factor in the positive and adaptive thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors I have applied toward myself, especially regarding food and my weight. To maintain this, I have to refrain from engaging in the maladaptive thoughts and unhealthy coping mechanisms I once was attached to and constantly remind myself that that way of responding to situations has never done me well in the past. During the pandemic, while I successfully lost weight, I did so in an unhealthy manner, using baseless techniques that only gave temporary outcomes. I have acknowledged the fact that it was wrong for me to extremely restrict myself with food while pushing my body to its limits when I worked out. Now, with a much better relationship with my body, I have learned how much it can take on a daily basis, both in terms of food and exercise. 

In order to take care of my body, an action plan is fit to effectively manage my health as a whole, instead of solely focusing on my weight. Firstly, I plan on adapting to a well-balanced diet with the help of caloric counting. By checking the number of calories and nutrients in the food I eat and the amount I am supposed to intake related to my BMI, I will be able to eat sufficiently, preventing myself from overeating or the opposite. Secondly, I intend to follow a workout program that is appropriate for my goals, targeting the fat I want to decrease in my body, and in the long run, form muscle. Lastly, I believe that journaling would be beneficial, not only as a means of tracking my progress, but also to have an avenue for myself to express my thoughts and realizations throughout my healthier fitness journey. It would also serve as a good reminder of how far I’ve come in such journey whenever I may possibly feel down or unmotivated. Conclusively, I am genuinely grateful from the bottom of my heart for what I have reflected, discovered, and learned in these topics because it essentially has taught me to love myself and be kinder to the girl I’ll always see in the mirror.